Maggie, I am very disappointed... only an introduction? You could have just used your outline even, that was a good length and had a depth to it that I'm sure you could have easily re-worked into a paper, much like I did with mine. Working with what you have though, I have the following to say:
For your intro, I think you have a solid start. You mention a few aspects of technology that can be flushed out to accomplish your thesis that digital-representational-devices are addicting. I think that with what I read of your outline that you have good points, but I almost feel that for an introduction paragraph you throw too many of them in there. An intro doesn't need to go into detail about your internet habits and it doesn't need the quantity of examples you have provided so early on. I almost feel like you are rushing into this and that your arguments might fall flat because you threw their legs out before you got to their bodies. You are also a bit jumpy structurally and I feel like you can smooth this out a bit or at least make the examples transition smoother if you decide to keep them. On a last note, I think that you should copy this into word for some grammatical help, because some of the wording felt funky and it seemed to end rashly.
If these suggestions seem to be harsh, keep in mind I had to correct an entire paper's worth of problems from one paragraph, so every minute detail is emphasized. I think that you have a good paper on the way with what I know about your previous postings and I look forward to seeing what you provide.
Best of luck,
Henry
You are not the only one disappointed at myself; I am too. Your feedback was just what I needed; I was wondering if I revealed my paper too much in my introduction. I will definitely take some things out, thanks. I had the same thinking in mind so don't be afraid to harshly criticize what I have. Thanks again!
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